Hello, I’m back again. I could make up a few excuses for why this post has taken so long. But truthfully, like the honest truth, is that I knew I was supposed to write it. But it felt heavy and personal and I resisted for as long as I could. Until I couldn’t. This post is all about Moses. Prior to the first week of July, the only thing I knew about Moses was what I learned from watching The Prince of Egypt, and a deep dive I took into studying the story of the parting of the Red Sea my sophomore year of college when I was praying for what felt like a similar sized miracle in the midst of my own chaos. Besides that, I never thought too much about Moses. Since the first week of July the story of Moses has come up in my life at least once, almost every day. Going from never thinking about Moses’ story, to having it come up in books I read, podcasts, sermons I went to, conversations or friends just randomly sending me truth via text message I started to realize God was trying to teach me something. Today, the day I press publish on this blog, I finished reading a book I bought this week. I didn’t know it, but it was all about Moses. As I was getting ready for the day I started listening to a podcast. I didn’t know it, but it was about Moses. Then I went to church, and guess who was the main character of story in the sermon. Yeah Moses. HA. So, I’m done resisting. Here’s what I’ve learned about Moses, and what I’ve learned about myself in the process. Because I’ve realized I act a lot like him, and maybe you do too.
There were over 1,000 people in 25 countries who read my last post. People from all walks of life were coming out of the woodworks telling me they too felt the weight and heaviness of drastic change. And I’ve thought so much about that. What is it about change that is so hard for each of us? I’ve come to realize, at least for myself, that change ignites fear, and causes me to focus on my own inadequacies. And I don’t think I’m alone in that. Insert Moses…
In Exodus 3, God told Moses he was to be the one to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, Moses said no initially because he was only a shepherd and he had a stutter. God himself, placed a call on Moses’ life that would change everything, like Moses heard the voice of God AUDIBLY, and he said no. Does that make anyone else want to scream??? Moses HEARD God, and Moses said NO.
The things about Moses that make me want to scream are the things I see in myself that make me and Moses quite similar. There, I admitted it. I accepted my new job, slightly on a whim, because I knew it was what God had for me. My life is one big full circle moment. I won’t bore you with the details, but long story short: I work for a ministry at a school where my mom directed a camp for the same ministry 11 years ago. I met my mentor through this ministry, she changed my life in ways I have yet to fully grasp. Prior to me, this was her job. My head coach in college played basketball at this university, and helped start this ministry here. The three women I admire the most, the ones who have shaped me, changed me, empowered me, loved me, and told me truth more than anyone else, all have deep ties that lead me here. God didn’t audibly tell me I was supposed to do this, but these full circle moments feel pretty darn close to that. But something was still off.
It’s here I saw the damage addiction can do. It’s where I hugged my grandma for the very last time. It’s where life as I knew it changed completely for my family, it’s where anxiety gained its foothold, and it’s where I feel grief the heaviest. I saw myself break here, into a million little pieces. So, for the first six weeks, there were places I refused to go to, people I avoided, and I planned out every hour of every day so I didn’t have time to think. I built up resentment, I harbored unforgiveness. The lies in my head felt like they were being screamed louder than ever before, for the first time ever my wildly introverted soul felt lonely. I gained relationships and things that I thought would be part of my security in this phase of transition, only to have them ripped right out from under my nose. It was harder than ever to translate the thoughts in my head to sentences on the page. I focused on all that, and let who I had seen myself be disqualify me. I convinced myself I was playing a role that I would never actually be good enough for. As I drove around this new home trying to figure out how to start over, I allowed myself to focus on all that’s happened here, and self-identify as broken, refusing to let the stillness and slow pace of this little beach town put those million little pieces back together.
And that’s why Moses makes me scream. Because all I could think about the first six weeks here was why I couldn’t do it. I was so fearful, so timid, and so bitter. I let the pain of the past effect my every move, and honestly, I don’t think I was great at my job. God told me to move to Santa Barbara Himself, because I have no other explanation for how this all came to be besides Him, yet all I did was disqualify myself.
(Spoiler alert) Moses goes on to lead the people out of Egypt towards the promise land, but it wasn’t because God fixed Moses’ stutter, or because he heightened his status from a shepherd boy. Let me show you a text my friend Meg sent me a few weeks back, she said:
“The thing that gets me every time is that God doesn’t build Moses up. Like He doesn’t tell Moses all the great things about himself…All He says is “I am with you.” And that kills me. Because that means that even when I am my worst self and falling short in every way, I can still do God’s bidding because He is with me…So moral of the story while you’re in a season of doubt and confusion and being weighed down by the worldliness of a heavenly calling, remember that.”
I mean okay let’s just drop the mic there. Everyone, get you a friend like Meg House. I should probably just hand over the password of this blog to her now. How beautiful is that though. In a season of transition that is terrifying, where I feel inadequate, where the weight of the past, and the fear of the future feels like more than I can handle, God is saying, “I am with you.’ That’s it. That’s all I need to know.
I slowly started to realize the irony of it all. I wrote about the redefining and reintroducing, and being forced to let go of so many wonderful things and the pain of that process on my first post. Yet, in the being forced to let go, the negative things of the past and the places I felt most inadequate were what I was choosing to hold on to. In the midst of all the newness this season was bringing, I was tightening my grip on the many things that didn’t serve me. Moses makes me scream, but I was being Moses, focusing on what disqualified me, instead of trusting the call of the one who made me.
The pain I have felt in this town is so real, the things that have happened here changed me, and stole a lot from me. The realization that I am scared to be here makes sense. But the same way God was with Moses, He’s with me. So, despite my deepest fears and insecurities, I’m doing what I never believed I’d be capable of. I’m supposed to be here. Moses went on to lead the people because God promised the presence of the Lord would be with Moses, and that made him the right guy for the job. The presence of the Lord took a fearful and inadequate shepherd boy with a stutter on to lead an entire nation of people out of slavery.
My prayer is that the 1,000 of you who too felt the weight and heaviness of drastic change, and for myself of course, is that as we are trying to navigate a new life and grasp where our identity lies, that we would choose to hold on tightest to the promise that the presence of the Lord is with us too, and to the hope of who Jesus is. I pray you give up the things in your life that are holding you back from what He has called you to, and who He has created you to be. He promises us a good plan for our lives, one that only He knows. So, in this season of change, may you release all that it is that does not serve you, and calmly sit at the feet of the one who created you, and trust that He is with you, and that His plans for your life are far bigger and better than anything you could ever imagine for yourself. The presence of the Lord went with Moses, the presence of the Lord goes with me, and the presence of the Lord goes with you, and that changes EVERYTHING.
Keep dreaming with me.
He makes all things new.